Toronto, it's not you, it's me.

Hey, Toronto.

I would’ve liked to have told you this face-to-face, but I guess it’s just easier to write you. I don’t think we should see each other anymore.

You’re great, really. It’s just that I don’t think it’s going to work out. When we first met, things were great: all was new, we went on some crazy adventures- it was exactly what I needed at the time. So much potential. Now though, I don’t think things have changed so much as the more we learn about each other the less of a chance you and I really have. We don’t click.

You’ve done a lot for me, I’ll admit. You got me into doing shows again, taught me the power of a community of super-talented and smart people. And you have the coolest friends! I’ve met the greatest people through you, and though I think they’ll probably side with you in the split, I’m hoping they’ll still keep in touch. Also, thanks for getting me that job.

The thing is I just don’t see us together long-term. Your style and mine are ultimately incompatible and though it sounds cold it does sadden me to rationalize it so. I wish I were more flexible, I do! But if I don’t follow my heart/guts/cojones, well then anytime we fight and let each other down I’m just telling myself “I told you so!”

It's... well it's Vancouver. We've always been close and yeah, I've been seeing Vancouver a little bit here and there and I guess I never really got over it. We just work so well together. I’m a west coast boy. I need greens and blues, I need my temperate climate and my buckets of rain. My family’s almost all there, and I never get to see my old friends anymore… I know, I’m making excuses. The basic underlying theme is that I’ve never felt any sense of permanence in this whole thing, and I think it’s time for me to move on. I know you’ll be fine without me. Maybe after some time has passed we can still hang out.

You’ll always have a special place in my heart.

Love, J.Rai

P.S. I hope it's okay if I stick around for a few more months while I find a new place.

Today's existential crisis

Usually when I start into a train of thoguht like this, I start to worry I'm going to blow a blood vessel in my brain because it just starts to feel like feedback. What follows is a chat session I had after my lunch break today. I figure a transcript is as good as re-writing it.

 
me: What a great lunch-walk.

Nat: Where did you go?

me: Just through Trinity Square, to the bank and back.

I overheard some middleschoolers discussing ESP and karma and then I had my own existential crisis and now I can't stop smiling.

Nat: Tell me about your existential crisis! I feel like it could make my day (Not the crisis aspect.)

me:  Well there were three middleschoolers, girls walking behind me chattering away.

As we passed a psychic reading place, one iof them asked "Do you believe in ESP?" and the other two responded "yeah" without hesitation.

Then before the end of the block one of them said "Karma!" about something I don't remember.

And I thought it was funny being at the age where you just believe those things because... I guess you want to, or you don't question things or whatever.

Then I thought about my own list of things like that I would create in order of descending believeability, putting ESP above Karma

And then I thought about where God would go on that list, the very top or the very bottom

Because if you put God in there then you must credit God with the creation of teh universe, which I don't

So if you eliminate that, then there's just the universe's natural existence

But why does the universe exist?

And why does anything exist at all?

Like, why is there... anything?

There could literally be nothing anywhere at all on any plane of existence.

In any dimension.

At all.

Why is there stuff?

But

There IS stuff.

There are quarks and atoms and waves of energy and as a result there are these three middle school girls, on a School day, at 1 pm, with a skate board and rollerblades in downtown Toronto having some little personal adventure

Or just a ditch day

And I get to wear a polyester sweater and use the internet.

And go outside and the wind blows in my face.

And that's pretty sweet.

Nat: Exeunt.

SoundCloud

I finally moved on an ages-old suggestion by Threeboy to jump on SoundCloud and do some audio dumping. I've put up some of the back catalogue of musical and aural things I've come up with for various TrueNuff projects of the past - I don't think it'll just be final stuff though, I want to throw up some of the bits and pieces, the works-in-progress that make up the vast majority of the things I've actually recorded.

If it weren't for the deadlines of things like the video projects I don't know if I'd ever release anything as final. Perhaps I should rename my personal studio to "Development Hell."

J.Rai's sounds on Soundcloud